exam trauma

now that the foot is better, the brain seems to be in for a really bumpy ride!

with time, my ability to study, has completely withered away. till the last semester, out of fear, or respect, i bothered to peek into my books 24 hours in advance... i knew the syllabus too, and i though about the outcome... its a different story altogether that i went fr an exam stoned... bt what matters is, that i cared.

this time, i can't even seem to find the ratty piece of piece of paper where i had scribbled the syllabus down. now that i think about it, the last time i used something that remotely resembled that piece of paper, was to wrap up a mutialated, overchewed piece of gum and throw it out of the window!

i wonder, if i'm in a bit of a sticky situation now.

looks like my sense of humour's gone for a vacation as well.
which reminds me, what i wouldn't give to be sippin a pina colada on some nice shaded beach... lazing around and enjoying the sand and the surf!

daydreams apart, i think i need to locate that ratty piece of paper or else call someone else and get the syllabus yet again.

sad, sad it is... the bloody exam season!

scarlett keeling, what happened?

considering, all the hype that the media created about the unfortunate 15 year old... i wonder, what is happening now?

fiona mackeown, is finally satisfied with the imprisonment of only placido carvalho and samson d'souza? what happened to her screaming herself hoarse about the involvement of influential individuals?

and what is with the issuing of the "look out circular" for michael mannion, that prevents him from leaving the country? (for those who don't know who he is, he is a witness in the case)

and, what actually, has happened to carvalho and d'souza? are they in prison, have they been hanged, are they being tortured?

i can't understand what's wrong with the leading english dailies of the city of joy... don't us readers deserve updates about such things? what was the point, of creating such a hue and cry, when it was known that nothing would be done?

and, i guess, the verdict remains, that while, the indian government is trying to clean up the murkiness that now looms large over anjuna village, goa, this unfortunate incident too, gathers dust, like all the other rape cases that remain undealt with so far.

i wonder, what india's aversion is towards solving rape cases... its not very difficult. while the afghanis deal with the culprits the best, other nations too, take a stand. but what in india?
no-one, is being urged to hack off a penis yet, bt justice, should not be denied. (though, i, firmly believe rapists should be killed in the most painful way possible. i actually support the hacking off of penises. it should be implemented in india too... maybe then people will finally learn.)

in my 21 years of existence, the only rape case that saw a ray of justice, was perhaps the dhanonjoy case. bt then again, their were protestors, who fought for his rights, thinking so little about the little dead girl...

and what happens to the five odd rape stories that make it to the bloody newspapers everyday? are they taken care of? are they forgotten?

and, if the reader should know what happened, shouldn't she know the outcome too? bt then again, why blame the newspapers, with so mant rapes happening at ever nook and cranny of the country, its hard for them to keep track.

but, the scarlett keeling case disappoints me. i had hoped that we would know about the proceedings, without forgetting who she is... till of course the fateful day the rapists are either freed or killed... thats the least newspapers can do, respect the dead...

after working for eight months with a tabloid, i have decided. tabloids are a far better deal than the main paper. we publish what is outrageous. we don't attempt to make a sad incident outrageous to get readers. we are happy talking about nail polish and hair dye and dog food. and its not unjustified. what is, unjustified, are those pages, which evoke sentiments in a reader, and then leave them feeling like a gullible voyeur. unable to help, or even know further than allowed to...

i don't regret my decision of not reading newspapers anymore. i rather read the next mindless interview upen patel gives about the semi pornographic pics of him and deepika padukone. they allow me a good night's sleep.

love? chapter 3

and they lived...


hating each other, through a torrent of emotions randomly plaguing their hearts, making them utter profanities.
hating each other and making lives miserable in manners of the perfect sadist and the perfect masochist.
hating each other, for the guts that are put on display, and the guts they long to wrench out of each other's system.
hating each other and hoping for a whiff of fresh air.
hating each other, with a vengeance.


and they lived...


just cuz they had to.

love? chapter 2

forgive me for my past harsh post.

varun doesn't deserve the back biting. pain is inevitable.
neruda, eloquently sums up his saddest lines... and i whine... perhaos, there is beauty in pain. perhaps tears do make you see better... and perhaps, i, unlike the great poet fail to realize...

four years has been a long time, building a relationship on fantasies, on my part has been wrong... tonight, when i see it all fall apart, i have no1 to blame, but myself. relationships are a two way deal... dreams need to be reciprocated and understood... and i did not realise that, till now.

i'm trying to rebuild, with whatever i can salvage from the debris that remains from the past four years... good knows how many more months till i begin believing in love again... how many months, till i am able to look into his eyes and feel- something, anything... but, like i said, i'm a survivor, i'll survive...

yes, i shall be robbed of a few dreams, and what i though was the past shall haunt me... but i guess "fresh starts" are again limited merely to movies. even through the tears, i wish i could forget him somehow, and start afresh, in the true sense... love each expression on his face, enjoy the warmth of his body, without having pangs of pain shoot through my heart...

to err is human, they say, and we, as individuals have "erred" more than what can be counted. and each memory, remains fresh, with the pain that comes with it... i would like my memory to be rased, so i don't remember the past and then, i would love to meet him once more, at 6 in the morning, at howrah station, and take all back to the start. what i would not give for it...

love? (edited on 17.04.08)

all those, who have, like me, spent the greater part of their life, believing in the wonderful miracles of love and sniffling as movies like "shrek II" or "love actually" or "juno" draws to an end...

...should go jump off the nearest cliff.


love doesn't exist. movies fill your head with a lot of bullcrap that eventually leaves you in a world completely messed up.

have you ever seen a "harry met sally" or "you've got mail" or "shrek" or any other godforsaken sickeningly sweet romance shaping up in reality?

what about the cutest couple in your college/school/locality/blah? how cute are they a year into a relationship?

and, how come, movies, never warn anyone about what happens next? cuz, there are no such things as "happy endings",.

even the "happily ever afters" are a dreary routine, a sham that survives solely, for the sake of surviving, for love starved readers of the world, who tend to get more solace in books and movies than reality.

my advice: stop watching/ reading. you'll have a lot more peace of mind. you all deserve it!


p.s.- i shall kill all of you who ever told me that the significant v n i make the perfect couple... VERY painfully!

p.p.s.- and those who though we wouldn't survive, you are mistaken too.. its painful, but hell, i'm a helluva survivor!


p.p.p.s- excerpt from conversation:

me: heyyyyy!!

varun: hi

me: how was the day?

varun: okay

me: what didja do?

varun: i woke up at 5

me: and?

varun: nothin. what about u?

me: nothin much... had to sit fr 2 tests.

varun: ok, how were they?

me: ok... hopefully.

varun: so?

me: umm nothin.. so wassup?

varun: nothin

me: so?

varun: temme

me: nothin much.

varun: so?

me: so, we r back to the "so" game i see

varun: isn't it fun?



and we are a fuckin couple? i have to tolerate this every single day! and i seriously need to know, WHAT couples talk about, apart from the "so" game that is!

sunday, bloody sunday!

i am obese.
positively.
i hadn't realised the dangers of sitting at home, munching on chocolates and the like for the past eight weeks. but now, i have attained the impossible. i cannot fit into clothes and nothing apart from shapeless sack like garments seem to help.
plus, i'm sure i'm suffering from some unique eating disorder... the kind that makes me crave for food 24x7! its rather amusing that now all my life is about is food, food and more food.
i crave food even when i sleep... nightmares and sweet dreams both feature, well, food on a regular basis now.
happiness and sadness is also related to food, sometimes even directly proportional...
foodie i always was, but this new obsession is far from comforting...

i'm sad.


plus, its a sunday.


in the last eight weeks that i have been under house arrest, i have grown to detest sundays. they very animatedly bring out the "psycho stalker on the run" in me.
as i huddle from one room to another, trying to sneak some nicotine in my system, i feel outraged. with shanti di, grandmom and mum finding their ways into the darkest of corners, where i seek refuge, with their noses crinkled and eyes accusing, i have realised my ability to be an amazing one legged gymnast. for eight weeks now, i have perched myself, precariously (considering the fact i have a broken foot) on window sills, balcony ledges and the like, trying to keep away from them the telltale smoke and even the "faintest" smell. their ability to detect smoke somehow gets stronger on sundays, like some sort of sadistic weekend superpower... its very unnerving. not being able to enjoy a satisfactory puff on a sunday is very, very, verrry unnerving... at the age of 21, if you can't be trusted with your decisions and vices on a sunday, its definitely sad.

so amidst of all the depression, i smell biriyani cooking (love our new cook!! :D)


and i shall be off and enjoy my other vice, it is not looked upon with much unkindness yet!


p.s.- due to lack of much activity and also because of the fact tht i love tags, a sweetheart friend of mine and i have decided to dedicate an entire blog to tags!!!
http://tags-n-us.blogspot.com/

:D
i know, we are absolute geniuses!!!!

taggity taggity

was a part of the random ruminations..and i was rather interested! so here goes my version of it!

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER:

i can't remember...been soo long since i went out of the house...but i do hope to see a lot once the plaster comes off!

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?

the kite runner by khaled hosseini for the eighth time, the bourne ultimatum by robert ludlum, trying to understand the past bourne books in the process and mrinalini by bankim chandra chattopadhyay.

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?

snakes and ladders, (though i always throw a fit if i lose), scrabble, monopoly, battleship, othello, scotland yard... am very happy with this question. didn't know people were still aware of board games!!

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?

junior statesman, though it stopped publication in the 1960s. a brilliant read, with fresh humour from jug suraiya, bombaywallah, kookie and the like.
mad, for fun's sake.
readers digest.
and i shall launch my very own very soon!

5. FAVORITE SMELLS?

new books, cigarettes and adidas on a significant v, the smell that follows you everytime you pass a mughlai eatery, coffee, mom's cooking, baby powder... these are the only ones i can remember right now.

6. FAVORITE SOUND?

winds howling as a storm gathers on a hot summer evening; the rain, in all its moods; the sea; hearing people breathe while they sleep (i said breathe, not snore. i hate people snoring); my grand mom singing; my phone ringing everytime the significant v calls; the streets in the dead of the night; cats purring... i could go on. but i absolutely detest high pitched noises that bore into my brain leaving them jarred!

7. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?

when you cant help someone in need.
when you can't say what you really want to for the sake of politeness
seeing someone helpless, and feeling helpless about it.
seeing an animal injured or suffering (animals. not reptiles. i hate reptiles.)
losing faith in justice.
being betrayed by those who were trusted
loss.

8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE?

it can't be morning already!

9. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?

kfc! kfc! kfc! kfc! i can't believe the fact that i haven't been there in like ages damn my broken foot!

10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?

i refuse to admit that i think of it!

11. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY I'D...?

launch my magazine asap! build a shelter for street animals; take my parents to an exotic holiday; buy varun the car he has been dreaming about for ages now.

12. DO YOU DRIVE FAST?“

i don't know how to drive.

13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?

yes. my "son", tar-tar! but shhh..he doesn't know he's a stuffed animal! and yes, both varun and i are complete retards!

14. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?

beautiful.

15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?

i had a fuschia ladybird when i was a kid... it got stolen a few months back. :(

16. FAVORITE DRINK?

coffee; chocolate flavoured milk; pepsi; bhaang; bloody mary; dry martini; red wine; pinacolada; vodka with cola...

17. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD .....

walk down each and every street in kolkata

18. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI?

no! and i never will.

19. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE?

i will never again colour my hair now that i realize the damage i've already caused. but i used to have blue streakes at one point of time.

20. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN.

kolkata, pune, mumbai.

21. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

soccer; horse races; figure/ice skating; and extreme sports.

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU.

lovely photographs on her blog :)

23. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?

a looot of junk and if you're lucky, you might need to deal with cat poop!

24. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BORN AS YOURSELF AGAIN?

yes. no matter how many times i am reborn, i would like to be myself, with the same set of parents, grandparents and friends. though the people i shall grow to dislike every life, could be reborn as flobberworms or unicellular micro organisms.

25. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL?

night owl. but can wake up in the morning if i want to.

26. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP?

sunny side up.

27. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX?

my bed, the balconies...

28. FAVORITE PIE?

mud pie! yum! yum! yum! and apple pies only when i make them!


29. FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?

butterscotch from the old school genre and i have a lot of favourites as far as the bloody expensive gelatos areconsidered!

30. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU TAGGED THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST?
i don't know. i really don't!


ps- and as the new tag queen of the blog land, i tag everyone i say i have tagged! so check you comments!! :P