18

and then patrick swayze died.

creepiest thing ever. it was just sunday night, i was watching ghost with mom, and bawling my eyes out. now i am going to get obsessed about the fact that he is there somewhere, falling in love with some pretty young demi moore lookalike and getting heartbroken and leaving her heartbroken as well as he disappears into shiny glittery shimmery heavenly light.

2009, has had a strange way of making me feel rather old. patrick swayze, micheal jackson, farah fawcett... all childhood icons, faces, crushes... all gone in a year...

its strange when you tend to get so upset about certain events, while other, younger people look positively blank and go "who?" its a sure sign of getting old. old. old. very old.

anyway. age is overrated.

if mick jagger can pull it off. so can the rest of us. i think.

17

11.04 a.m.

i. want. vacation.

i. want. to. travel. and. take. pictures. and. write.

i hate richbratkids. who keep going off every weekend and coming back with useless footage of awesome places.

adopt me brangelina?!!?

16

4:17 p.m.

for inihos.


so i woke up this morning and started to miss her. as the day dragged on, i missed her more.
february, was the last time i saw her :( and i want to see her now again. and talk to her and bug her and talk some more, do some random things and generally feel happy.

life has a terrible way of making things so very unkempt and haphazard when you least expect it, and my life, at this point of time, resembles my messy room so creepily.

come back to kolkata please? i miss u a lot :(

15

6:38 p.m.


i hate. i hate. i hate. i hate it when universities cannot make up their minds. confused phone-calls mumbling "maybe you will get admission" is not helpful. AT ALL.

14

massive writer's block.
considering the fact that writing is how i make money. its a sad state of affairs. i can't even get myself to write updates on twitter properly.

also. these days i am getting more and more intolerant. i have started to hate people who have very limited imagination and cannot understand the subtle. i hate mediocre minds who are happy without realizing that imagination is essentially a part of life.

i hate so many people and so many things. i believe i am turning into an aantel prude who looks down upon the less fortunate population that exists so blissfully without realizing there is more to life. i'm not complaining. not about myself at least.

also, people who say "i don't read" or "i don't like reading" should drop down dead. now. please now.

13

sometimes. the loss of certain things make you realize how better or worse your life is without it.
sometimes, you don't feel it gone. and sometimes, you are made to feel the absence.
i hate potheads who can't remain calm when stoned. i am getting increasingly intolerant. as far as people who hamper my mental peace is concerned.
i asked a close friend to fuck off. others seem to be rather horrified. i am pretty much calm. i don't miss her. i don't want people trying to convince me how much i actually love her. cuz i do not.
pothead i might be, but i really do not need other people trying to make my decisions. let it remain at that. if you can't live with it, i don't know what else you can do about it.

11

back.

with a massive dilli hangover.
i love the city.
i love the food.
i love the people.

i hate divia, the dress stealing, ill-mannered lill cunt.

10

11:43 a.m.

star-wars geek. me.

priceless.





its time dumbledore said something similar to harry.

09

3:10 p.m.

when entrance exams go well. life does seem blissful.
especially when you have taken an awesome decision of dropping out of a pretty good masters course just because you "didn't feel like it".

08

1:55 p.m.

"life in cartoon motion" is bloody brilliant!!!

best pop album on my pop playlist! i have loved it ever since i have downloaded it a year and a half back and now that i listen to it yet again, i am still helplessly in love with it!!



also, he definitely should not come up with a new album. there are chances that it might be better than "life in cartoon motion" and then there are even more chances of him screwing it up. he should live off whatever he has made off this one and not attempt at making new music.
this is one of those albums that will be loved. no matter what!!

07

11:21 a.m.

its gonna take a long while this way to reach 365. isn't it!?
why did i start numbering my blogs anyway and why on earth am i still doing it!? lack of imagination, creativity, etc has its limits. looks like it has surpassed them in my life.






i am so bloody braindead at this moment that it doesnt seem to be remotely funny. till yesterday, i was laughing at my inactive state of mind.
now i really wonder whether i have turned into a vegetable or not.
gasp.

06

2:41 p.m.

happy summer afternoon bonding with pup! :)












i <3 him. :D

05

2:33 a.m.

realization. and a long one.

sometimes, really terrible things happen to people who don't deserve them one tiny bit. not me this time around not mine. but someone i know. and the story stings. more than it perhaps would have if i had been in the same situation.

i know its pretty easy to say "get the pieces back together... your life doesn't end here.." but its a lame thing to say. to some1 who faces loss. a loss of words, a loss of actions, a loss so great that nothing else compares to it.

i think about those imbeciles who sit around and rant about love affairs turning sour, jobs not paying enough, jobs not giving "satisfaction", parents bickering, classmates backstabbing, colleagues stealing ideas, etc etc cte. blah blah blah. i have. and surprise! surprise!! so have you!!

look on the bright side, you idiots are not 18 and your life really hasn't come to a point which could make you want to kill yourself. not out of emo fascination or attention demanding tactics. but simply because there is no other option. there is no more light and the ending that has arrived, is definitely a sad one.

he called me tonight. (lets not take names). and he cried over the phone. 4 years older to him, i have seen him grow, seen his curls transform to spikes and the rest of the paraphernalia that is synonymous to change.
fatherless.
mother is on the verge of retiring.
other living relatives? none.
debts incurred to pay the loan that was taken for his late father's cancer treatment five odd years ago? remain largely unpaid.
board results? highly unsatisfactory
chances of getting a governtment grant or the like to go to college? none.
recent family development? mother coughing up blood for the past week or so.

and thats just the bit, i was told, through the years of knowing each other and friendship.

in calcutta, walls have ears and some ears, lead to tongues... and tongues tend to wag. so stories never stop sprouting. family secrets are spilled and people tend to know more than what they are told...

so when such a young boy, whom i love perhaps more than i love my own cousins, calls me up, in the dead of the night and asks me what to do cuz he cant think of any path that goes too far ahead into the future and how he can't deal with the stress,pain,confusion,humiliation,lonliness, failure, and a life without hope anymore, and that he wants to live cuz he is just 18 and someday wants to become a director and he doesnt know what to do to simply "live on". but he wants to and yet he tells me there is hope... "it lies beyond the god awful wall that is the dead end. i don't know how to get past it and i don't want it falling on me... what do i do?" and he asks me for advice... i really don't know what to do.

so what am i supposed to tell him?

"oh i broke up with my boyfriend due to family issues and still can't get over it. its ok. i have survived. so will you."

or

"you have no idea how unsatisfactory my job is. 9-5 and i feel like killing every1 in office. no1 bothers to realize my true potential"

or

"so that bitch stole my term paper! she didnt steal it as such.... but you know, i trusted her with the idea and the next thing i know is that her termpaper topic is the same as mine and she gets more"

or

"my job pays me peanuts. i work my ass off. i work harder than my boss, and he is the one who gets all the promotions and dough. how unfair is that?"

or

"awww... sweetie, its ok. every1 has setbacks. i have had mine too, no1 likes me, they hate me and so i ran from here. come away with me. i feel so lonely there now as well... people hate me so much. things cant b worse than what i am going through"

or

i dont know what.

i am running out of excuses, reasons, whines and nags anyway. so what was i supposed to tell him?

i guess, he somehow, made me realize, a lot of things that i could not have realized otherwise... and suddenly, i do indeed seem to have a life that is not even close to being lonely, frustrating, helpless, hopeless...

and i bet, most of you are on the same boat i am. and sadly for all those who think the leak was tremendous, its not. its just some water that fell out of your bottle on the floor.

and if you seriously think, you actually are in the dumps and beyond redemption, i dare you to look into the eyes of one such 18 yr old. and tell him how much your life sucks. and how you really can't make it any better.or live with it. i dare you.

i cried tonight. after long. for someone... who doesnt conform to theatre screens, stages or pages of books. i didnt know what else to do. i know he did not call me to hear about legalities of taking loans and i know he didnt call me to borrow a few lakhs that will see him through college or pay for his mother's long term medication.

when a friend calls you up and begs you for something, even something like an answer to a question for you are what apparently seems to be the last resort and you have no answer for it or even a millionth of a solution, the sense of dread that creeps into your system is something that cannot be described very well in just words.

i am not some1 who has prided herself to come up with the most brilliant solutions during crises... but how many 20 something year olds can actually answer his question?

i am not some1 who sermonizes or judges or bothers drilling sense into every1's heads. im not your keeper. and i am happy that way. period. but at some point of time. when i realize that such a lot around me is so much worse than i can ever get, i just feel incredibly sad to realize that i know people who are still stuck in the same rut. the same drill. the same soap opera. like me.

doesnt make sense for you to read this post and raise eyebrows, criticize pointlessly and in silly bouts of self defence and also indulge in bouts of washing my dirty linen in public. wont really do any1 any good. not me. not you. not most of our lives that hopefully exist beyond a computer screen.

life doesn't end, it goes on... and on and on. and its up to us to live and not complain.
look around... there are people, you know, who are in bigger dumps than you are.

there are like a million and one things i could list here and talk about and keep typing in frenzy and then proceed to write the next topselling self-help book. but really, use your brains. spare me the trouble.

and do whatever. whatever helps you sleep at night is always a good thing to do. and live. live like there is no tomorrow and live like there is no better today. shit happens. clean it up and walk past it. if it stinks, know the fact that it has hit some1 in the face. while you just slipped on it.

04. after a long gap.

stoned pretty light.

sighhh.

spent early evening and later exploiting camera...

sometimes. just sometimes, i think, living life as a wastrel ain't that bad... who needs things when you got weed? :)

03

a long gap.

and now some more.

the exam was pretty much random. as expected. im not really bothering to elucidate much about that. pointless waste of time and energy.

of things worth mentioning. i still have a major dilli hangover.
i want to go back to the capital.
and the himalayas.
and local vodka!




hic.

02

2:15 a.m.

i leave for delhi tomorrow.
entrance exam awaits on the other side of the trip. gah.

killkillkillkillkill.
brainkill.

i shall be back soon. hopefully. to whine more. the woes of entrances gone wrong make excellent subject for blog entries.

the end

leaving the paraphernalia of the past behind.

i have a new blog now.

http://loonypages.blogspot.com/

01

8:35 p.m.

i have a new blog.
to keep myself occupied.


i dont know how much it will work and i really don't know whether i want it to work or not. over the past few months, life has been unbearable. there have been times when i have tried to get it to happen otherwise... but i don't know whether it can actually happen otherwise.

its unfair.
the very first post of the new blog is a rantrantrantrantrant deal. but i am barely in a mood for anything else. nothing seems to be nice. nothing makes me happy. i'm stuck in a rut that is proving to be incredibly difficult.
i don't know whether there is a way out anyway, and neither do i know whether i want a way out or not.
so all in all, i seem to be turning into all those people i had screamed at all my life. its ironic.
i need a break.
i need a life.
i need a joint.

bleh.

i should start working again.

all the free time and pseudo interest in education is getting to me.


employ me someone.... yes?

jobless.

pretty much sums me up.

spent the entire day smoking some greens from mangal singh and painting my room with poster colours.

everything's quite a colorful incomplete mess now.

should have done this years ago...





also. the promised pictures of the little wonders.

*drumroll*

the very beautiful

GINNNN!!!!






and

*drumroll again*

the very retarded

PYROOOOO!!!!







and

*wild cheering*

the completely clueless

THEM!!!!





a happy family we make.

*wild cheering/drumroll/et al*

2009 =O

i feel old already!
i feel this way every time a year ends.
hmph.

i have also managed to scratch the cornea of my eye. i thought it was cat/dog hair foe two days till the doc diagnosed it for me. bloody sadist refused to prescribe any anesthetic/sleeping pill/morphine for me pain. he shall rot in hell with ants jiving in his eye. SoB. him.

also, i am the latest outcast of my neighbourhood. i abused the laundryman's kids for beating up and killing a cat who loitered happily around my place. i abused them pretty bad. in bengali. and also some hindi for histrionic effect. i wasn't too affectionate towards the cat anyway, but her mother is indeed a sweet creature with one blue eye. and another green. i feel sorry for her. would spend most of the day with her child. but child was rather selfish. i shall not wash dirty laundry of the dead now.

i think i will get her home now. she needs company. gin likes her. pyro is as stupid as ever.

life is blissful thanks to medicineman!
i shit you not when i tell you it was good shit he prescribed for me! =D