13

sometimes. the loss of certain things make you realize how better or worse your life is without it.
sometimes, you don't feel it gone. and sometimes, you are made to feel the absence.
i hate potheads who can't remain calm when stoned. i am getting increasingly intolerant. as far as people who hamper my mental peace is concerned.
i asked a close friend to fuck off. others seem to be rather horrified. i am pretty much calm. i don't miss her. i don't want people trying to convince me how much i actually love her. cuz i do not.
pothead i might be, but i really do not need other people trying to make my decisions. let it remain at that. if you can't live with it, i don't know what else you can do about it.

11

back.

with a massive dilli hangover.
i love the city.
i love the food.
i love the people.

i hate divia, the dress stealing, ill-mannered lill cunt.

10

11:43 a.m.

star-wars geek. me.

priceless.





its time dumbledore said something similar to harry.

09

3:10 p.m.

when entrance exams go well. life does seem blissful.
especially when you have taken an awesome decision of dropping out of a pretty good masters course just because you "didn't feel like it".

08

1:55 p.m.

"life in cartoon motion" is bloody brilliant!!!

best pop album on my pop playlist! i have loved it ever since i have downloaded it a year and a half back and now that i listen to it yet again, i am still helplessly in love with it!!



also, he definitely should not come up with a new album. there are chances that it might be better than "life in cartoon motion" and then there are even more chances of him screwing it up. he should live off whatever he has made off this one and not attempt at making new music.
this is one of those albums that will be loved. no matter what!!

07

11:21 a.m.

its gonna take a long while this way to reach 365. isn't it!?
why did i start numbering my blogs anyway and why on earth am i still doing it!? lack of imagination, creativity, etc has its limits. looks like it has surpassed them in my life.






i am so bloody braindead at this moment that it doesnt seem to be remotely funny. till yesterday, i was laughing at my inactive state of mind.
now i really wonder whether i have turned into a vegetable or not.
gasp.

06

2:41 p.m.

happy summer afternoon bonding with pup! :)












i <3 him. :D

05

2:33 a.m.

realization. and a long one.

sometimes, really terrible things happen to people who don't deserve them one tiny bit. not me this time around not mine. but someone i know. and the story stings. more than it perhaps would have if i had been in the same situation.

i know its pretty easy to say "get the pieces back together... your life doesn't end here.." but its a lame thing to say. to some1 who faces loss. a loss of words, a loss of actions, a loss so great that nothing else compares to it.

i think about those imbeciles who sit around and rant about love affairs turning sour, jobs not paying enough, jobs not giving "satisfaction", parents bickering, classmates backstabbing, colleagues stealing ideas, etc etc cte. blah blah blah. i have. and surprise! surprise!! so have you!!

look on the bright side, you idiots are not 18 and your life really hasn't come to a point which could make you want to kill yourself. not out of emo fascination or attention demanding tactics. but simply because there is no other option. there is no more light and the ending that has arrived, is definitely a sad one.

he called me tonight. (lets not take names). and he cried over the phone. 4 years older to him, i have seen him grow, seen his curls transform to spikes and the rest of the paraphernalia that is synonymous to change.
fatherless.
mother is on the verge of retiring.
other living relatives? none.
debts incurred to pay the loan that was taken for his late father's cancer treatment five odd years ago? remain largely unpaid.
board results? highly unsatisfactory
chances of getting a governtment grant or the like to go to college? none.
recent family development? mother coughing up blood for the past week or so.

and thats just the bit, i was told, through the years of knowing each other and friendship.

in calcutta, walls have ears and some ears, lead to tongues... and tongues tend to wag. so stories never stop sprouting. family secrets are spilled and people tend to know more than what they are told...

so when such a young boy, whom i love perhaps more than i love my own cousins, calls me up, in the dead of the night and asks me what to do cuz he cant think of any path that goes too far ahead into the future and how he can't deal with the stress,pain,confusion,humiliation,lonliness, failure, and a life without hope anymore, and that he wants to live cuz he is just 18 and someday wants to become a director and he doesnt know what to do to simply "live on". but he wants to and yet he tells me there is hope... "it lies beyond the god awful wall that is the dead end. i don't know how to get past it and i don't want it falling on me... what do i do?" and he asks me for advice... i really don't know what to do.

so what am i supposed to tell him?

"oh i broke up with my boyfriend due to family issues and still can't get over it. its ok. i have survived. so will you."

or

"you have no idea how unsatisfactory my job is. 9-5 and i feel like killing every1 in office. no1 bothers to realize my true potential"

or

"so that bitch stole my term paper! she didnt steal it as such.... but you know, i trusted her with the idea and the next thing i know is that her termpaper topic is the same as mine and she gets more"

or

"my job pays me peanuts. i work my ass off. i work harder than my boss, and he is the one who gets all the promotions and dough. how unfair is that?"

or

"awww... sweetie, its ok. every1 has setbacks. i have had mine too, no1 likes me, they hate me and so i ran from here. come away with me. i feel so lonely there now as well... people hate me so much. things cant b worse than what i am going through"

or

i dont know what.

i am running out of excuses, reasons, whines and nags anyway. so what was i supposed to tell him?

i guess, he somehow, made me realize, a lot of things that i could not have realized otherwise... and suddenly, i do indeed seem to have a life that is not even close to being lonely, frustrating, helpless, hopeless...

and i bet, most of you are on the same boat i am. and sadly for all those who think the leak was tremendous, its not. its just some water that fell out of your bottle on the floor.

and if you seriously think, you actually are in the dumps and beyond redemption, i dare you to look into the eyes of one such 18 yr old. and tell him how much your life sucks. and how you really can't make it any better.or live with it. i dare you.

i cried tonight. after long. for someone... who doesnt conform to theatre screens, stages or pages of books. i didnt know what else to do. i know he did not call me to hear about legalities of taking loans and i know he didnt call me to borrow a few lakhs that will see him through college or pay for his mother's long term medication.

when a friend calls you up and begs you for something, even something like an answer to a question for you are what apparently seems to be the last resort and you have no answer for it or even a millionth of a solution, the sense of dread that creeps into your system is something that cannot be described very well in just words.

i am not some1 who has prided herself to come up with the most brilliant solutions during crises... but how many 20 something year olds can actually answer his question?

i am not some1 who sermonizes or judges or bothers drilling sense into every1's heads. im not your keeper. and i am happy that way. period. but at some point of time. when i realize that such a lot around me is so much worse than i can ever get, i just feel incredibly sad to realize that i know people who are still stuck in the same rut. the same drill. the same soap opera. like me.

doesnt make sense for you to read this post and raise eyebrows, criticize pointlessly and in silly bouts of self defence and also indulge in bouts of washing my dirty linen in public. wont really do any1 any good. not me. not you. not most of our lives that hopefully exist beyond a computer screen.

life doesn't end, it goes on... and on and on. and its up to us to live and not complain.
look around... there are people, you know, who are in bigger dumps than you are.

there are like a million and one things i could list here and talk about and keep typing in frenzy and then proceed to write the next topselling self-help book. but really, use your brains. spare me the trouble.

and do whatever. whatever helps you sleep at night is always a good thing to do. and live. live like there is no tomorrow and live like there is no better today. shit happens. clean it up and walk past it. if it stinks, know the fact that it has hit some1 in the face. while you just slipped on it.

04. after a long gap.

stoned pretty light.

sighhh.

spent early evening and later exploiting camera...

sometimes. just sometimes, i think, living life as a wastrel ain't that bad... who needs things when you got weed? :)

03

a long gap.

and now some more.

the exam was pretty much random. as expected. im not really bothering to elucidate much about that. pointless waste of time and energy.

of things worth mentioning. i still have a major dilli hangover.
i want to go back to the capital.
and the himalayas.
and local vodka!




hic.

02

2:15 a.m.

i leave for delhi tomorrow.
entrance exam awaits on the other side of the trip. gah.

killkillkillkillkill.
brainkill.

i shall be back soon. hopefully. to whine more. the woes of entrances gone wrong make excellent subject for blog entries.

the end

leaving the paraphernalia of the past behind.

i have a new blog now.

http://loonypages.blogspot.com/

01

8:35 p.m.

i have a new blog.
to keep myself occupied.


i dont know how much it will work and i really don't know whether i want it to work or not. over the past few months, life has been unbearable. there have been times when i have tried to get it to happen otherwise... but i don't know whether it can actually happen otherwise.

its unfair.
the very first post of the new blog is a rantrantrantrantrant deal. but i am barely in a mood for anything else. nothing seems to be nice. nothing makes me happy. i'm stuck in a rut that is proving to be incredibly difficult.
i don't know whether there is a way out anyway, and neither do i know whether i want a way out or not.
so all in all, i seem to be turning into all those people i had screamed at all my life. its ironic.
i need a break.
i need a life.
i need a joint.

bleh.

i should start working again.

all the free time and pseudo interest in education is getting to me.


employ me someone.... yes?

jobless.

pretty much sums me up.

spent the entire day smoking some greens from mangal singh and painting my room with poster colours.

everything's quite a colorful incomplete mess now.

should have done this years ago...





also. the promised pictures of the little wonders.

*drumroll*

the very beautiful

GINNNN!!!!






and

*drumroll again*

the very retarded

PYROOOOO!!!!







and

*wild cheering*

the completely clueless

THEM!!!!





a happy family we make.

*wild cheering/drumroll/et al*

2009 =O

i feel old already!
i feel this way every time a year ends.
hmph.

i have also managed to scratch the cornea of my eye. i thought it was cat/dog hair foe two days till the doc diagnosed it for me. bloody sadist refused to prescribe any anesthetic/sleeping pill/morphine for me pain. he shall rot in hell with ants jiving in his eye. SoB. him.

also, i am the latest outcast of my neighbourhood. i abused the laundryman's kids for beating up and killing a cat who loitered happily around my place. i abused them pretty bad. in bengali. and also some hindi for histrionic effect. i wasn't too affectionate towards the cat anyway, but her mother is indeed a sweet creature with one blue eye. and another green. i feel sorry for her. would spend most of the day with her child. but child was rather selfish. i shall not wash dirty laundry of the dead now.

i think i will get her home now. she needs company. gin likes her. pyro is as stupid as ever.

life is blissful thanks to medicineman!
i shit you not when i tell you it was good shit he prescribed for me! =D

the bucket list

i saw the bucket list... had it on my hard drive for ages... but finally chose to watch it this morning. and i realized that hell, i do have a list that i would wanna look at when i'm about to kick the bucket... i would wanna do something, nah, actually a lot of things before i finally die..

dunno when it will be, and i most definitely don't know how it will happen, but i know it will... hopefully later rather than sooner... and i guess i will have a dusty old blog to look at and remember some of the things that i would like to do...

1. disneyland! i definitely want to go to disneyland. with my parents and varun. get on the highest roller-coaster and scream my lungs out! i wanna have a beeeeeg candyfloss all by myself and cram lill candies in my mouth and chew like theres no tomorrow! i also wanna take millions of pics... happyt ones! perfect for happy family ads and frame em... and get hats with mickey ears and buy jawbreakers and keep on chewing on em and buy a lill glittery crown too!


2. africa! most definitely a must before i say tahs to life! i wanna go to africa and drink in the jeep and feel the sand mess up my hair real bad! i wanna watch glorious sunsets that i have so far seen only on screen and watch ze animals from zee close! also i would like to adopt a lill baby cute animal and bring it back home and love it to bits!!


3. sacrifice something really really precious for someone i love and not feel it till i think about it later and then smile fondly, knowing that it was all for a very good cause!


4. pick up a random kid from the street and give him/her a life that would make her happy. not adopt the kid, but pay for his/her education, higher education and attend his/her convocation.


5. apologize. to every1 i have ever hurt. doesn't matter if they hate me or the fact that we haven't talk to in ages. i wanna apologize... dunno if they will forgive me or ask me to fuck off... but at least i will feel lighter... knowing that i tried.


6. do a voiceover in a cartoon movie for a really hawt,spoilt,lazy cat. a female one. a white one. with a pink nose and pink paws.


7. do something for stray dogs. not show off like stupid animal activists and mint tonnes of cash. but actually do something. i hate seeing the dogs suffer on the street and all of you, who set eyes on this post, do me a favour... feed a dog a few biscuits today. its gonna be one good turn you will most definitely feel good about. and before you argue, lemme tell ye, stray dogs NEVER bite... unless u ofcourse manage to irritate the hell out of the poor creature. so don't kick, don't cuss... be nice to them. won't kill you if u r.


8. own a planetarium. get royally stoned and watch the stars go haywire, reclining on a plush red leather sofa and sip on a long island iced tea, made with red bull... ummm... actually, lets jus say, make tonnes of money and own a vijay mallya type villa somewhere and awl.. =P


9. trip on ecstacy. just once. just one fucking time... the only time i will indulge in substance abuse... but i will. preferably with some1 i truly like... but 1 time. i will.


10. plan out elaborate surprises for all those i love. just out of the blue. no occassion needed! usual stress-busting stuff.. done with a looooot of style!!



now, all i need is a partner in crime =P

and the kitteh's back and i has a new puplet! =D

i began december with bouts of heart-breaking, hysterical tears... my cat had found her way out, and decided to explore... and explore she did, enough to be reported missing!

but kind-hearted neighbours i have, they offered me orphan pup to deal with my awful loss... which wasn't a bad deal... a lill stray creature. incredibly cute, i shall add to that... and i took him in.

but my mind never really "accepted" him... till tonight that is... till my cat came back... with an incredibly handsome black n white male of the same kind! so now i know, that she not only is safe... but also has a roaring sex life! her love for the male is such, that she, the spoilt creature that she was, refuses to come back to the comforts of the house... but, she does indeed kick up a huge racket if food doesn't reach her on time... sigh.. these manipulative creatures! how i lov her and how shamelessly she takes advantage of me!
she broke my heart that little git! what lovely plans i had for her and dice... now, i just hope, she will soon deliver a batch of cute kittens. for the sake of her beauty!!
and double sigh, to realize, all grown up she be! =|

back to the puplet... he's called pyro. after days of contemplation (2 actually) we all decided on pyro! i wanted to call him davey jones, the pirate... he has this incredibly cute black patch over his right eye... davey jones was really an appropriate name for him! but amala di's lovely pronunciation led me to change my mind rapidly!
then came bird, suggested by the dilli connection, but the idea was promtly dropped! its an incredibly gay name for any male creature!
and smirnoff, courtsey mother darling... but that would mean too much of alcohol in the family. the cat's already called gin!
dad suggested reefer. i liked the name yes. but the others (read: mother=larger than life) vetoed it!
and amala di's wonderful contribution to the name list was doggie, which was quite... well.. obvious for a dog!
thus, we decided on pyro. short for pirate. i would like to believe. and every1 was happy. so the name stuck.
i'm sure he will soon face an identity crisis... all pets in the house, are subjected to name changes every few months. gin had a lovely plethora of names to boast of till she ran... and she shall have more now that she's back!

pictures of the new acquisition will be put up... in due course of time! would have done it immediately, but all usb ports of my computer are currently in mode: rebel! sigh.

thus till the time pictures are up, i would ask ye all, to close your eyes and think or a lill stray puplet.. white in colour. with brown ears and a black eye patch over the right eye. a brown spot on the tummy and one on the bum! easy to imagine! =P
i love that little runt! i really do!!
I FINALLY HAVE A DAWGIE OF MY OWN!!! =D

i have a psychotic cat.

an evil psychotic cat. and i am goddamned sure she needs psychiatric help.




for the past 3 weeks, she has found a new sunday activity: thieving! she does not steal fish or eggs or meat. for some strange reason, she has a tremendous fascination towards the bright yellow (in and some cases very dirty greyish yellow) scotch brites! i have been having a rather hard time explaining to my neighbours WHY this silly little cat of mine steals the like. she also steals steel wool. and sometimes bits of paper and sponge.

in a way, it is rather good... as soon as i can convince my mother the cat's loot is perfectly usable, we won't need to shop for kitchen goods anymore. maybe, we can also train her to steal utensils when she gets bigger.


she is a junkie too.
all the years i have spent with cats, i have never seen one behave like her around an uncapped microtip pen...
you open the pen and she comes leaping and bounding to sniff it. you place the cap where it rightfully belongs, she claws your hand. damn! i have a 5 month old junkie kitten as a pet!! life couldn't be more perfect!!!

also, i am in love.... all over again. madly. patrick verona is the most perfect guy..... EVER!!!
bless ledger for making me fall in love a million times with this man! bless ledger for playing him to perfection!
curse ledger to make me feel like a necrophiliac everytime i drool madly over mr. verona, admiring his perfection.







look at him you all... is he just not perfect? the eyes, oh! the eyes!
the slight raise of that delicious mouth at the very corner... the very corners of his perfect mouth!
the hair! the neck!
the face!
ain't he beautiful?
sigh....
i burn! i pine! i perish... waiting for mr. verona to arrive in my life and sweep me off my feet drive me to the nearest pub and get drunk silly with me!
gil junger should be awarded, a late one yes, but an award nonetheless!
by giving to the world 10 things i hate about you, he gave me, my most perfect man... the fire that was lit five odd years ago has been rekindled a few days ago. on star movies of course. and i am in love!!!! all over agian!!!! :D

ok, enough of the unecessary drama. it makes me giddy with the sudden movement of my upcheck reflexes.


aaaaaaand,i shall be back to blog sooner than later now onwards, with the exams looming ahead, larger than life, i suddenly feel more affectionate towards this dust-gathering blog of mine... i think.

inked!??!

there is nothing. absolutely nothing to write about.

the world indeed is a very boring place. sigh. there is absolutely NOTHING happening... not even in the little world up in between my eyes. except for bright, bright, bright colours, there is nothing i see these days... not that i am interested much....


of news about my life, apart from turning into a complete tree-hugging hippie. i have no secrets to disclose of... apart from the incomplete tattoo...
i finally did muster enough courage to go get myself inked. and got myself stoned proper too, so that i don't endure the pain.
but alas! my paranoia took over my system and an hour or a little more later, i was left stranded with something that looks vaguely like a yin-yang symbol with a little box underneath the whack 69ish yin-yang outline... bang in the middle of my back!!! woe!! the incomplete deal... it is solely for that i was unable to wear a sharee this pujo (not that it mattered much) and it is solely for i make sure i am facing my mother ALL THE TIME...
i did ask her if i could get a tattoo... and she said "no" and by then, i was half inked already!! :| i am rather silly about matters like these.
the tattoo that looked so pretty on paper is a rather vague scratch on my back! funny thing is that i get reminders to get the tattoo completed, but something, seems to hold me back!
ok! fine! i still am paranoid for the feeling of needle pinching and piercing through your skin ain't the most comfortable thing to think about. fine, i didn't rally feel much till the very end of the inking session thanks to weed and the local anesthesia cream that was very liberally applied... but yes, i keep pushing the rest of the "ordeal" further and further away... hoping some miracle will happen and i will wake up with the tattoo completed on my back... no such thing happens though... sigh!!!

and yes, i completely trust ALL those who read this post, roll their eyes and say "only you are capable of this!" for it has been well more than a month that i have half a tattoo on my back!! :P

but yes my friends, i assure you that once i do manage to get this completed, i will get 2 more done!! :D