the fair and the lovely

The entire “gora chamra” fixation is getting to me! With the pujas barely a month away, its amazing how nearly all my family have realized my “awful tan” and are trying their unusual best to get rid of mind, apart from the scores of fairness creams available in the market, my skin has gone through lengthy battles with multani mitti, chandan, besan, lemon, tomatoes and the like. Apart from being really, unhappy and irritated, I’m amazed to learn about everyone’s knowledge on getting “fairer” skin! Talk about prejudice!

To make things worse, last Sunday’s matrimonial column was far from its usual amusing self! Horrifyingly, every male in the country, starting from age 22 till maybe their last few days on earth, seem to be on a “heroic” quest – finding themselves the perfect Indian bride! Irrelevant of other qualities, the poor creature most definitely needs to be fair! For all one knows, the poor wretched NRI just might find himself stuck in an enclosure with his “perfect bride”, who not very surprisingly resembles a lump of lard and has brains perhaps lesser than a pea’s!

What exactly is the country coming to? What happened to respecting intelligence, charm and independence? Why do all Indian women have to feel so degraded for a patriarchal society’s perverse fetish? Why can’t women in search of a groom demand for some “fair and handsome” man, who’ll be “well built, educated and homely”?

In an act of rebellion, I have decided that t he next time someone comes close to commenting about my skin tone, I shall remind them of their age, wrinkles, et al! I shall remind them of the times their fair daughters came home crying cuz they were called “really stupid’ in school and of course, I shall gift their not so fair sons tubes of fairness creams!

And as for me, I’m perfectly sane… dark, short, ugly doesn’t really make a huge difference in my life! I’m happy the way I am… thank you! I’m an intelligent, successful woman and I don’t give a flying rat’s ass about achieving the “rare Indian beauty”! And everyone else, fair or dark, considering that you have a single brain cell, shouldn’t care either! Trust me, beauty can never be skin deep!!!

Pip! Pip!

trip...

Grim infatuation huddles in the remote alcove of my brain…I can’t
really feel much now, its more mechanical than human at this
stage…ecstatic and on a “trip” through psychedelic distortions, I am
incredibly unaware…of the thoughts that are flowing into my mind with
such ease…or maybe I am…its scary to a certain extent; how can my mind
be so active, yet so hazed…

Unnatural paraphernalia of pent up emotions,
Exploding with a million unrelenting thoughts,
Perverse melancholic memories creep up
Forming a mesh of hazy moments woven together,
Colours that blind the solace of the mind,
Basking in the warmth of confusion,
Of a mind fogged with restless thoughts.

Twisted images keep forming in the nooks and crannies of my mind; recesses I didn’t
know existed… and so far away, that these images are indefinable blurs
woven intricately with light—their voices muffled by the layers of
emotions that have been piling up for years. Not very useful these
emotions are, just human…

“Sunlight bright upon my pillow
Lighter than an eiderdown
Wishing that the weeping-willow
Winds its branches round”

… And I dream…




…loneliness…
is a mere matter of perspective. Some shy away from the desolate
darkness of solitude as thoughts echo and reverberate in the hollow
mind-- giving rise to pithy doubts, unskilled lies and moronic
insecurities…
I bask in the warmth of this darkness, confusing it
maybe but comforting in its own archaic manner. Thrilling, as new
thoughts drift into a comfortable void of unnatural silence… without
much to contradict them, apart from voices receding from the realms of
logic into ones that promise visions of kaleidoscope eyes and tangerine
trees…

“And what have you got at the end of the day ?
What have you got to take away ?
A bottle of whisky and a new set of lies
Blinds on the window and a pain behind the eyes”

Relationships
unfurl, blossoming into objects of mutual desire as stolen kisses
remain… stolen. How precious these kisses are—rare and stolen, unlike
the legitimised equipment that makes the fourteenth day of February an
annual holiday for card shops… sometimes nameless entities appeal to
the senses, far more than any other ever can… steps taken into the
darkness and you long to retrace them, and long, to return to the
warmth of the faces familiar, the touches felt and the emotions known.
You long to regain senses lost and identify faces forgotten as the
charm of the unknown devours sanity, gradually… taking care that
realisations do no occur… until of course, it is too late. And too late
it is as you reach out for that once familiar face, and realize that
submerged in guilt, your consciencedoesn’t allow you to grab the out stretched hand as you sink in the ruffled intricacies of the ego game, that keeps occuring and re-occuring, shifting from one side to the other till you realize that you are hopelessly lost… in a fascinating mindgame called love.

I’m in love… have been this way for the past three years. Took me a while
to realize it (three years is an incredibly long period of time…); but
now that I have, steps can’t be re-traced and wounds can’t be healed…
For the first time in my life, I wish to take back all the sarcatic
words that have flown out of my lips. I wish to erase all the events
that in the remotest of all possibilities could have hurt… either of
us. I long to talk, but the masks and walls obstruct conversation. I
long to explain myself… but once upon a time patience was on my side;
and acceptance did follow. But I misjudged and misutilized both. Maybe I
should give “it” time… maybe “it” should give me time… maybe wounds
will be forgotten… maybe they will be healed… maybe I should apologize,
but strangely sorry really does seem to be the hardest, funniest and
the most inappropriate word to be uttered now… and I realize…

back to blog!

The New Year has proved to be rather painful… both to my fingers and to my rapidly thinning wallet! With the innumerable messages constantly clogging up my inbox and the compulsion to reply to no.s other than the ones belonging to my beloved Tata Indicom clan is actually testing my patience… more than a month into 2007 and I still receive “HAPPY NEW YEAR” messages and sadly, am expected to reply! And the reply triggers off more questions to which I feel even more compelled to reply and a vicious circle starts, quite ignoring the other existing circles of the very same nature! And before I can even realize, it’s the awful time of the year again… when almost everyone just HAS to talk about love in the air…bleaargh! And sadly… it just means more irritating messages… and replies and corn n much related mush!

Taking a trip down memory lane, the Christmas week was… well... fun! No other word to describe lill trips to Olypub, jostling to get Christmas decors at New Market, Christmas Market, tram rides, steaming hot momos, my new red lighter (which I promptly lost...) and quite a few packs of Gold Flake Kings, being broke, yet shopping and spendingLOADSA “quality” time with two people I really love! It was fun to realize that us bongoshontans do celebrate all festivals with the same kind of frenzied enthusiasm! Be it Durga Pujo or Eid or Christmas or anything else… its all being celebrated, and surprisingly, by everyone in Kolkata!

Amidst all the alcohol and fooling around, I surprised myself… terribly! Not only did I give up my glass of Shark Tooth to go to St Paul’s cathedral, I actually sat through most of the mass and read the prayers and actually prayed… back home, I refrained from touching alcohol and actually spent more “quality time” with friends and their kid
brothers!!!!
On Christmas, I scarily did feel rather angelic!! And then… I decided to surprise myself further! I visited Kalighat! Told Sohini I have a mannat to get her to come along… but really, I just wanted to pray… for a lot of people, rather than for things. Don’t think my prayers made much of a difference. God, I believe has realized my descent down the silvery steps of hell to even pay attention. I guess he thinks I’m beyond redemption… and sadly, I believe the same…

And later I drank, and drank again and was happy and was sad and sang, and danced and got happier!!! And realized that some people are incredibly entertaining when drunk… for example,Kamalika Dutta… who really believes that she is “physically fit” cuz she “likes to move it” when drunk! As for me…I remember, but I prefer not commenting! Confessions made should not be repeated and re-repeated
especially on blogs! The discoveries made and feelings realized calls for more alcohol! But then again, considering the natural high I’m on…who needs alcohol? With the very first rains of Kolkata arriving already in February, the natural high continued… and I “discovered” more… for starters… monsters do exist! Be it at the lake… or our very own “jheel” at J.U. or the Sundarbans!! They indeed exist and they need to be pampered by cigarette butts and dry leaves and twigs and stones!
And that J.U. after dark is a rather attractive place and that theOlypub waiters whack itsy bitsy pegs for themselves while serving their valuable customers… and that 5th floors are undeniably attractive…

As 2007 approached, I had resolved to update me blog rather regularly… and it was yet another resolution down the drain… till today that is! The entry might be haphazard and incomprehensible but it’s a start… it calls for a drink… and it calls for smiles... silly stupid ones that I have hated all my life… J the types that make you blush, giggle and feel brilliant about everything around! Perhaps its all the alcohol that has accumulated over the past week and a half… perhaps its more…

of bliss and tags

I wonder, what good is it to spend life in such a state of “ignorance”….

However, the state of bliss that I currently am in is rather delicious! To bed, and back again in a few hours is all that is there to speak of in my life now… though the sandwich remains incomplete without the appropriate fillings.

Boredom hangs around my shoulders—heavy... and rather comforting (comfortable perhaps). It will take time to get used to life without a job, or any of my usual adrenalin pumping activities. But I sure do vouch for the fact that life is much greener on this side! Aquamarine, shab, olive, prune, ivy… the different shades of green crowd my much dried up palette, hasn’t been used in some time… I wonder, when exactly I lost the threads to the colours that they now lie in a dust heap…

Time does help heal—realize. Strange, it seems to realize for the first time in the past three years that the dimple in Varun’s chin is rather visible; or that his eyes are the perfect shade of puppy dog brown! But then again, it wasn’t until recently that I had realized that I preferred butterscotch to chocolate ice cream! Or that catching raindrops on my tongue is fun… “funner” than a lot of psychedelic pleasures…

I love the world! Its brand new… and squeaky clean! I love myself—narcissistic bitch that I always have been!! I love life… trips you and sure does get you dirty, but it sure does know the right places to tickle!!




Aaaand I guess, I’ll just fair to Aditya to play along… and go ahead with the tag!!


I’m thinking about: whole lotta things…but all are colour coordinated and kept in their
respective pigeon-holes!


I said: if I’ve ever been bad with you (any of you), you in all probability deserved every
bit of it!


I want to: make an immense deal of money and spend it all effortlessly!


I wish: for a genie to grant me ALL the wishes that ever escape my lips!


I miss: friends


I hear: chaos


I wonder: Why pain?
Why poverty?
Why suffering?
Why me?


I regret: absolutely nothing that I’ve ever done!
A lot of things others have…


I am: “tongue tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit”


I dance: when drunk…


I sing: all the time and not necessarily in tune!


I cry: when sad, when happy, when hurt, when angry… pretty often!


I’m not always: myself… willing to help or patient.


I write: good enough. Period.


I confuse: fairy tales and reality…


I need: patience… acceptability and love will automatically follow.


I should try: studying… really!!!


I finish: all the ice cream in the fridge… without failing to infuriate my parents-- always!

poetry?

listless, profoundly amusing,
changes, in the regular lane of life..
open, to the mirth, of disillusion...

occasionally flying..
wandering...
about them...who care?
recklessly seeking refuge in boredom.
impotent confusion...

wonder if you can feel..
pains that burn through
unreal nights of existence....
devouring slumber.

cancerous delight plagues-
the throng of vision..
clouds, contorting pleasure,
unmasking emotions
-of innocence and fragility
of an oblivious soul,
lost in the realms beyond......

mistakes

MISTAKES...the eight lettered identity of our eternally spotless, unrelenting mind.....

once committed, it is rather difficult to retrace the steps responsibly counted by our very weary existence..what exactly does "to err human and to forgive divine..." mean???!!the catchline for the new breed of self-proclaimed martyrs, out there, to keep us all from sinking deeper in the flimsy filth??

i have indeed committed,but am yet to forgive...or forget..this, in all probability is due to the unnecessary independent existence of my conscience, as a separate entity, endowed with powers to breathe, live and more importantly think...torn away from my pithy existence, i have indeed lost whatever little bit of mind that remained imprisoned within me...

flying high on rooftops, (none much higher than the 5th floor though...) it is the realization of a new high...new feelings-emotions that i never knew existed!!

yet...it is the time to copulate with pain....to awake to reality, to smell the mustiness of the lanes locked up in weary corners of the imaginative mind...they rather feebly offer smelling salts to the fast asleeep practical monter within me...makin me realize.....futility...

park stret is the realm of "sins"...the hub of mistakes...the furnace of desire and pain...where demons revel under the divin psychedellic lights of attraction....

i try to retrace...my thoughts, my words, my action...i stumble...i fall...

into the fiery pits of damnation...and i enjoy...every moment of it!!

nonsense, sensibly

tweedledee and tweedledum
sitting innocently on their bum(s)
are the looking real glum?
"oh no! just chewing gum!!"

how very obvious it is to realize that i am, as usual, loitering around the neverending corridors of cyberspace...aimlessly, pointlessly and rather mindlessly...with the lightning speed connections and easy access to the interne, minds have become rather.....

do we actually need one when all the information we need...(both correct and incorrect) is just a click away?how many times have you felt foolish by being unhesitatingly proved wrong by the realms of cyber knowledge?
how many times have u had the irresistible urge to burn anything offering information (but not looking remotely like a computer?) realizing that the "object actually dares to offer you information that contradicts info found on the holy cyber trail??!!

nonsense.....thats what this post really is....when there is too much of time on hand and no constructive thing to do...an affair with the keyboard seems brilliant!!!how fast fair fingers glide over its spine...how smooothly it can be carressed when mindlessly one thinks of sense...and more foten...nonsense...and the clicking responses to the caresses do not exactly remind you of a mundane lover bored with the daily routine of love making.....how good it is to find solace in imagination.....



drown....in the psychdellic swirls of misty untruths....
seek solace...
peace...

and then, there was blogus

the very existence of blogus does seem incredibly weary...cooped up in a 6X4 cubicle all day, staring intently and relentlessly at my thinking, blinking companion. reading stories off the "urban legends" website does seem rather mundane now...to welcome change and celebrate novelty, i unhesitatingly registered and am typing what can be classified as my very first blog on blogspot...

more staring, more blinking and more "exciting new offers" pop up on my screen...never ceasing to add little snippets of excitement in my routine grey life..few strained patches of "californication" filter through the (heavy with boredom) air and reach my cubicle. no-one else seems to have noticed...all all, no-one else is working, hallucinating, trying-to-work, giving up hope...like me.

female foeticide, death of croc hunter, yamini something or the other...wisps of smoke, rhythmic drumming sounds from the nearby "pandal" being constructed, polyphonic ringtones, humourless laughter, return to reality.....................................................................................................


stories from "urban legends seems to be the only salvation....and blogus, remains suspended, incomplete.....like the rest of my work piled up on the table.